Celebrating 5 Years of My Book Journey and Earning My Wild and Free Wings

Today I haven't wanted to be at home. I did all my week's errands and groceries. I did really important things like rescue a fly stuck in my house, helping him get outside safely. I froze bananas for my next few days of breakfast smoothies. Haha! 

Yeah, I'm avoiding sitting quietly with myself. So, I thought I'd write here today.
I figure maybe someone else experiences milestones or calendar dates in a similar way as me.
I wonder if there's some solidarity or kindness I can spread by writing about my struggles here?
You see, five years ago, I learned I received a book contract. I had submitted my proposal and obviously, I heard "yes" back.
I was in shock, but mostly relieved. I had been through three or four very difficult years before hearing my good news.
I thought that perhaps, my life was going to change and doors would fly open for me professionally, after struggling for 15 years to get any kind of "success."
I received my book contract on July 25, 2011. I did the math for you, haha! July 25 is my late, maternal grandma Edith's birthday. I was close to her. She died in 2001.
So, when I found out about my book, it was on the tenth anniversary of not having her alive to celebrate her birthday.
Surely, I thought that the heavens were cracking open, saying to me that I was "on my way," hearing about my book contract on such an auspicious day.
I mean, it had to be a "sign," right? A sign from the universe that my life was gonna change for the better and there would be no more struggle, right?
Ha!
So, yes, my life changed. But, the struggles became worse for me. Yet, I sit here as I type and can honestly say that I'm the happiest I've ever been, despite things not turning out as expected.
Some well-intentioned folks told me I should get "over it" regarding the disappointment and situational depression I had after my book. I tried. I mean, I had been some kind of healer or coach since 1998, investing much time and resources into my education. I had done personal growth work since the 1980s! I wrote a self-help book.
I tried to heal myself, but it didn't work until I allowed myself to feel all my emotions and feelings. Nothing else worked. Very few of the tools I had were applicable for the situation I created for myself.
I read books. I took classes personally and professionally. I "rebranded" myself a few times, haha! I chanted, prayed, was coached, and cried until I had no tears left.
My life force was dim. I was feeling like maybe I should just accept that my life was going to keep on getting worse.
It took me well over three years to feel alive again and to get my inner spark fired up again. These days, I think I glow.
Today is a milestone, but I'm trying to feel it as a positive one. It's the anniversary of the beginning of my rebirth, the seeds planted for my emergence as a happy Brave Girl.
I don't feel like rehashing my whole story of how things sucked with my book. I have peace in my heart that I did my best and possibly was able to help a few souls with the book.
I've learned that with creative work, I'm just an instrument of the divine and I can't get attached to outcomes. It can hurt when others aren't supportive or loving in the ways we need them. However, even that is a blessing. I think you learn who your true friends are, a good thing to know!
Along the way, I had much devastating loss, grief, and challenges. I lost friends. The support of others in my field and at my publisher went away. I tried to resuscitate everything, but ended up exhausted, flaring up my autoimmune stuff and thyroid, gaining weight and having adrenal fatigue, severe insomnia, anxiety, situational depression, and anemia. These were things that I had in the late 1990s and I thought I had healed them!
Much of my hair fell out too. As a woman, this has been distressing. I have a cute floppy hat collection now. Again, another blessing!
Also, about one year ago in 2015, just after my mom passed away, I had a month and a half with two root canals, two crowns, and two fillings, along with a baseline colonoscopy at an early age! I mean, think about the country songs I could've written. In there, I attended five other funerals of loved ones, not too long after my mom's funeral.
I spent much time, effort, and funds the past three years on my health. I lost nearly 30 pounds. I feel way better. I have energy. I don't even use caffeine any more. Nope.
I'm so grateful and blessed that I can function again. Basic things make me blissful, such as being able to sleep or cook dinner! Yay!
At the end of 2015, I closed my business as a coach and author.
I continued to shed, release, let go, and find my health and happiness after closing my business.
I no longer have the need or desire to build a "following" online, spending so much time and heart energy on that. Being Internet famous has no appeal to me. I feel I was always a heart-centered marketer. To be a success in the self-help field, there are things one needs to do that I'm just not willing or able to do.
I've had many changes and bright spots in my life. I lived in Europe for close to three months at the end of 2014. During my book stuff in the spring of 2013, I did a mini book tour along the California coast. Besides traveling, I've been enjoying attending live concerts, art journaling, taking classes with The Brave Girls' Club, making music, and creating yummy, plant-based meals.
I decided to let go of being anything or anyone for the most part. I don't fit into the boxes of punk rock or rebel much these days. I'm more of a cosmic cowgirl Bohemian hippie, haha! I don't mind labels. I think we outgrow some of them, however.
So, yeah, I was the girl with the dream of being a published self-help author for close to 15 years. I made it happen and then, it kicked my butt with heartache and disappointment.
I made myself suffer quite a bit, but even that was a blessing. I returned to my daily yoga and meditation. I began decluttering my home this year too. I'm shedding my old self.
As I feel better physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I'm feeling new dreams' seedlings underneath it all. I still am here to create. I still feel alive and have a desire to help others and our planet.
I'm still me, just a bit altered. I think of altered books, due to me being a mixed media artist. Altered books are when you take an old book and paint in it, making art on top of the pages in whichever mediums strike your fancy.
I suppose my life is much like one of those altered books. My original life story or the actual book I had published have been altered. The past few years, I've been slapping down the gesso to prepare the pages of them, so I can create and put down new stories, hopes, desires, dreams, friendships, paths, creative works, songs, and maybe even other books (*wink, wink*).
I consider my life to be like a art journal page. If things don't go as expected in my process, I can paint over it all and begin again.
What a relief!
In my long winded way, I'm saying that you can always start over. Don't allow the calendar to make you feel too sad either. Use it to celebrate how far you've come along on your journey.
See you on the road...wearing my wild and free wings.
With best wishes,

Lisa Selow (copyrighted 2016) 

Testing, testing 1, 2, 3, 4...

Hi there! I'm becoming new fangled. I'm trying out an app for blogging. So, that's why my subject line is so lame! Apologies for that.

Anyway, I seem to run my life with apps, so I figured using one for blogging made a lot of sense for me.

It's summer and I don't blog much, hahaha!

I just wanted to say "hi" and be lame, testing out this app.

More exciting and fun posts to follow soon...

Celebrating the One-Year Anniversary of My Mom's Passing Today

When I originally wrote this post, I was sitting in a cafe. I was writing it ahead of time, composing it on my iPhone. My writing process has changed so much over the years. I've become a more flowing and fluid type of gal. 

When I think about it, that flowy aspect has permeated every area of my life. This might not sound like a big deal, but it is, given how not-so-go-with-the-flow I used to embody. 

I used to be a type A personality. I was a perfectionist. I pushed and pushed. I was driven to be a success and "to be somebody." 

I ignored my body's messages to rest, even though I've had a lifelong, autoimmune condition. 

I worked and worked. I tried to please everyone. I gave and gave until I was depleted, depressed, anxious, and seriously ill. 

Along the way, I've had massive losses, family deaths, grief, disappointments, failures, and many important things have left my life. I've let go quite a bit. 

As I make a few additions to this post today, it’s the one-year anniversary of my mom Judy’s passing. She was only 63 years old. I have missed every day since she passed. I’ve taken time though to sit with my grief and allow it in, just as if I had a house guest staying with me the past year. I’ve been doing my best to honor my mom by showing up each day for my life in brave, but very small brave ways. 

I sit here smiling though. I mean, when I really think about it, I'm still me. The core of who I am has never gone away! I'm still Lisa. The eternal self is there, despite all my heartache, pain, sadness, and so-called difficult feelings. 

So much of my ego has fallen away and I just have to say that I'm relieved. The small self is even smaller in me. I’ve lost about half of my hair, much of my health and vitality, my online business, my career as an author/coach, and some friends or loved ones in the process. 

At the end of the day, I'm happiest if I've done yoga, daydreamed, played guitar, made a nice dinner for my sweet hubby and me, and fed the squirrels. 

I no longer strive, strain, or push. I've been forced to be gentle with myself. I can no longer sustain heroic efforts towards being a success. My life is pared down and I've never been happier. 

Some say that time flies. For me, it's slowed down. I'm happier with less. I like simplicity. Actually, I LOVE it! 

Death will make you examine your priorities. I went to five funerals, in addition to my mom’s from mid-2015 until early 2016. After a while, you become more choosy about not only how you spend your time, but with what you worry about as a human being. 

I never heard a dying person say that they wish they had made more money or worked harder or that they wished they would have had a million Twitter followers. Nope.

Today, I celebrate the one-year anniversary of my mom’s passing. She was always about having tea, good food, and time with family. I’m going to do a couple of those today. I’m just being gentle with myself. 

It may seem like a downer for me to write so much about death and dying. It really isn't a downer. It's life affirming. I mean, you have this precious life. What are you doing to be happy? 

Well? 

With love respect,

Lisa Selow

I toast you with my green smoothie! 

(Copyrighted 2016) 

Living a Non-Recognizable Life

It's been a while since I've posted. I know you're not supposed to write that in a blog post, but I’m not conventional. 

As I type this, I'm on my couch with a fleece blanket. It's the fatigue hours for me. I've become exhausted again. The time slot of 4-6 p.m. is rough when you have adrenal fatigue. Heck, most of the day is a challenge. 

I'm blessed because I've been able to get back into taking mostly daily walks outside. I have continued my daily yoga practice since September 1, 2015,  not missing a day. I have played guitar daily for almost a year too. I don't slack off, contrary to what some of my inner and outer critics have said about me. 

Grief is going well. Yes, I said that. My mom passed June 14, 2015. I've been to six funerals in less than a year. The thing is, I've never been happier. Yes, you read that right. I'm the happiest I've ever been, even with waves of all kinds of so-called difficult emotions, massive hair loss, fatigue, and many losses. 

I feel more alive. 

I know what matters to me. 

Things like being a success, achieving, producing, and being "friends" with certain people do not matter to me.

I've been forced to reduce my life to its essentials. This is due to health challenges I've faced the past three years. 

I like simplicity. I actually love it. 

My life isn't recognizable at times to me. I feel a bit freakish for telling you and others that I'm the happiest I've ever been. 

At times, some have wanted to treat me like some poor, little thing. Bless their hearts. They say things like, "Oh, you poor girl..." 

I appreciate others' love and concern. It's nice of them to care. The thing is, I have been struggling with an invisible dis-ease for most of my life. I began not feeling well at an early age. I had immune challenges, along with everything in between. I've still managed to work hard and accomplish much. I'm just not willing or able to push so hard any more. That's the nature of chronic fatigue syndrome. 

The interesting thing with chronic fatigue syndrome is that I've had multiple, severe flare ups over the years. Each time, it's been because of a huge life stressor or series of them. I'm sensitive and haven't always been good at managing emotions. It's why I returned to yoga and meditation in 2015. 

With working on healing each bout of chronic fatigue flare ups, I've always been rather positive, willing to do or change anything needed to feel better. I've worked hard, spent lots of time and money on this so-called fake dis-ease. Each time, I felt hopeful I could return to where I was before. Yeah, I've had full-time jobs, as well as being a competitive athlete in the past. 

This time around, I don't have anything to return to once I feel better. At the end of 2015, I dissolved my coaching and other online businesses. I also dismantled my public speaking and author career. I probably won't ever return to having a full-time job outside the home. Having a chronic illness with your most severe flare up will make you adjust your life and priorities. 

These days, I'm making art, music, and writing that is just for me. I take walks and naps. I cook healthy foods and meals for hubby JT and I. I feed the birds and squirrels. I sip on herbal tea. I gave up the last traces of caffeine and sugar in my diet to give my adrenals the best shot at healing. I don't even have one glass of wine or beer...ever. 

I have a gentler existence. I'm not trying to be somebody. I'm not trying to write books or get my name out there. If I ever write another book, it will be for fun. 

Speaking of fun, I have a lot of it. I sit in cafes and color with herbal tea. I daydream. I write songs. I go to a weekly guitar lesson. I attend live music and concerts with my hubby. I gently shop in quaint downtowns with my best friend. I meet friends now and then at lunch. 

I don't rush around. I don't try to acquire tons of new things and people in my life. I get so much joy making smoothies and salads. Stuff like that makes me smile.

So many folks have left my life, whether through death or just being on their own paths now. It's all good, even though it can hurt. I allow myself to feel all my emotions and feelings. I don't hold it in any more. I also have begun speaking up for myself in a loving way.

I'm happy. Life is good. 

I plan on sharing more of my creative path with you soon.

With love,

Lisa Selow

(copyrighted 2016

The Joy of Un-Becoming

My pal Ann Catherine rocks. We don't get to see each other much, but we chat a bit on Facbook. Last year, she gave me the most wonderful gift.

She gave me the gift of an idea. This idea is something called unbecoming. 

At first, I thought it meant being ugly physically, haha! But no, unbecoming means to let go of who you once were as you rebuild a new life. That's the short version.

I do feel that we keep some of out innate traits and characteristics. I feel we have some roles in our human lives that are difficult to shake. It's all very complex. I can't know another person's path. I also struggle to even be an expert on my own path. 

All I know for sure is that I'm doing my best. I know what I like and enjoy. I know who my true friends are and what matters to me. The rest is just details, I know.

But, I've un-become so much. I have lost track of who I am at times. At the end of the day, I don't even have many dreams (the big kind) left. It used to all bother me, but now, I just expect to shed and un-become further.

Here's a summary of sorts of some of the things I no longer am...of course, there's more, but that stuff is private, only for my heart to know. I'm giving you the highlight reel:

*I'm no longer focusing on being a life coach, author, and speaker. I let go of my online business. 

*I'm no longer a punk rock chick or purely a rocker. These days, I dig Americana and outlaw country music. I always will love rock music, but I do not feel the need to have my physical identity and appearance a certain way.

*I gave up other careers over the past two decades, in other areas such as non-profit, legal, bodywork, energy work, intuitive consultations, besides coaching, writing, consulting, and other work. 

*I'm no longer a person who "works," since my autoimmune conditions have made it impossible. 

*During the past year, I've attended six funerals. I'm no longer a person who has a mom physically. I’ve lost other folks in my life too, not just through death. 

*I used to have a big dream of relocating one day, maybe in retirement, to California. I'm okay with it never happening. I dig living in Detroit, Michigan. 

*I used to really study and enjoy New Age teachings. Nowadays, I can't stomach them, even though the book I wrote has some of them within it. 

*I used to be more politically active. I’m into helping wildlife and environmentalism, but I always have been. This is the extent of my activism. 

*I used to give and give and now, I'm burned out. I have learned to say “no.” 

*I had to give up a few of my athletic careers over the years, due to injuries, Epstein-Barr virus, chronic fatigue, and my body giving out. 

*Many of my family are deceased. I lost my uncle in 1991, my grandma in 2001, my grandpa in 2004, and my mom in 2015. I'm not close to some of my extended family. There's family members who won't or don't talk to me. I used to feel I had to “fix” these things, but no longer guilt or shame myself about most of it. 

*I used to be a good Buddhist student and now, I only casually study. 

*I used to eat raw vegan, but over the years, I've switched to a pescatarian diet. I still don't eat dairy and gluten, however. 

*I have changed my hair a bit. I used to have Bettie Page bangs. I grew them out two years ago. I feel more like my true self, not a clone of some indie girl. 

*I used to take classes for personal and professional growth. These days, I do guitar ones. 

*I used to want to be highly successful. These days, I'm just happy being able to function, have my healthy habits, and enjoy making music and art messes. 

*I used to be a person who really worried about what others think of me. I still do a bit, since I'm human. It's not as much now though.

*I have become a person who watches her calories and logs it all. So far, I've lost 25 or more pounds. As of this writing, I have only 5-10 more to go and I'll be where I'm my best. 

*I used to knit and crochet. It hurts my wrists too much these days. 

*I've become a person who art journals. I've returned to writing poetry. I write songs, haikus, and six word stories. Stuff like that.

*I used to regret not having gone on to graduate or law school. I'm at peace with it now.

*I used to be a person who numbed out online. I spend very little time on social media now.

*I used to like to buy things to feel better, especially for awhile after my mama died. I'm no longer that person.

*I used to think affirmations and positive thinking wound fix anything of mine. I no longer believe this. I don’t feel I need to be “fixed” any longer. 

*I used to be hard on myself and blame myself for everything. I'm no longer this person. I’m gentler with myself. 

I have been digging deep to excavate my true self. There's been a lot of rubble to dig myself out of at times. I've had to sit on top of the rubble pile to regroup. 

As I regroup, I see in the distance the foundation I'm slowly building for my new life. It doesn't scare me at all to step into that next phase of my life without any of the roles, labels, and dreams I used to have. I'm just tired. I'm having to recover my health. So, things have been slower for me than I want when it comes to fully moving forward. 

Some days, I'm exhausted. Sometimes, my grief over so much loss overwhelms me. At times, I feel a deep heartbreak about having "failed" so many times in so many life areas. Other days, I'm feeling like a strange pile of protoplasm that is filled with soggy tears dripping all over the place. 

I keep on getting out of bed. I've learned to appreciate life's simple pleasures and the small victories such as showering, getting dressed into real clothing, making a real lunch, or sitting to play guitar. 

It's not like I hope for things to ever get easier. I'm not waiting for life conditions to be perfect before moving on to do what I desire. I try each day to let go of some of my shame about failures. I try to turn the volume down on the voices of my inner critics. I keep on keeping on, at times, doing very crappily with housework, laundry, music, art, poetry, and cooking. I don't always keep all the balls in the air. I don't have the energy…and, that’s okay. 

I still feel the sting of others' judgments. I know it's human to judge. I don't expect others to be perfect. I know that some don't know my whole story. I know some feel I'm a slacker or loser because I don't work outside the home and I don't have kids. I mean, what do I do with all my free time? Haha! 

Ugh.

So, I'm naked here and vulnerable. I've not even shared it all. I've not shared much of the darkness I've had to wade through. I've not shared those things, but they were there. I faced much of it on my own, aside from a few close people supporting me. 

Un-becoming is hard work maybe? The thing is, much if it is effortless. Stuff and people sometimes just fall away. You shed more and more of your false self. Your body will break down. Maybe your mind bails too? Maybe your spirit falls apart too? What do you do? What can you do, really? 

All I can do is get out of bed, feed myself healthy things, and feed the squirrels. I go to the dentist and doctor a lot. I get counseling and coaching. I write, meditate, do yoga, shower, cook dinner, play guitar, read books, clean house, drink tea, help others, rest, cry, daydream, take handfuls of vitamins, get intravenous nutrients, B12 shots in my butt, sing, write songs, get angry, vent, clean house, and get dressed most parts of my days out of my pajamas. 

I still don't make my bed. 

Un-becoming is becoming it seems.

Much love,

Lisa Selow 

(Copyrighted 2016) 

When You Show Up and Others Don't

For a long time, I believed pretty much everything bad was my fault. I grew up attending parochial school. So, I absorbed the idea that if something bad happened, it was my fault. I learned that the divine was punishing me. 

I went through much of my first 40 or so years doing my best to be the good girl and a people pleaser, to avoid having bad things happen to me.  

As I began to reject religion at around age 18, I delved into learning about Eastern traditions, paganism, Wicca, and New Age teachings. At around age 10, I would read psychology and the early self-help books on the library floor. I was trying to make sense of life.  

In my twenties and thirties, I was heavily into New Age stuff such as the law of attraction. I never discarded the idea that everything that happens to me is my fault. I spent a ton of energy trying to avoid the bad stuff from happening.  

I worked on things like "raising up my vibration" to prevent disappointment, heartache, sadness, disease, and other losses. I covered up difficult emotions and feelings with Olympic level affirmations.  

At around age 40, I began discarding all the New Age guilt. I had been a Buddhist of sorts during my late 30s at the same time I was a New Age girl.  

I loved the Buddhist idea of karma or cause and effect. It reinforced what I had believed all my life, that stuff that happened to me was my fault.  

I figured that even if a tree would ever happen to fall into me, that I must have planted the causes sometime in the past, whether it's this lifetime or a past life.  

The thing is, life has a way of happening. I've learned that people you love die. Whoa, now there's something that isn't my fault!  

But...I mean, I was so hard on myself that I wondered could I have prevented others' deaths? I wanted to go back in time and take them to their doctor or cook them vegetarian meals. Stuff like that came up and the guilt piled up. I felt pummeled.  

I began to think if there was a natural disaster some place, that too, was my fault. Maybe I hadn't prayed hard enough for world peace?  

Oh man... 

I've allowed others, even loved ones, at times to hurt me because I was too chicken to set boundaries.  

I didn't want to stand up for myself because that wouldn't be "being nice," and I thought I wouldn't be planting good seeds for myself to have good stuff or karma.  

Again, I wanted to prevent the bad stuff from happening. So, I put up with lots of bad behavior and hurtful words. At times, I tolerated things that were abusive.  

I've not really ever been one to blame others for things not working out as I desired. I tend to be very self-aware and I take full responsibility for my results (or lack thereof) in my life.  

I've always been Old Reliable. I show up when I say I will, usually with a gift and a meal, haha! I don't flake out. If I have to reschedule, it's at least 1-2 days in advance.  

I try to be polite and think of others, even in the smallest of ways. As I've become older, I've stopped apologizing so much as a form of self-protection.  

At times, I've even apologized to others when they're upset about something or stressed out and it has nothing to do with me. I apologized as a pre-emptive protection, since I knew from the past that some project stuff or take things out on me.  

That is the sort of thing my heart has a hard time handling. I mean, in my mind, I've tried my best to be kind, accommodating, putting my own needs aside, and apologizing even. It's like having a shield in a battle and you think you're safe, but bullets or arrows penetrate and you still die. Ha!  

I think of myself as a good person, as someone you would want in your corner. I'm also the kind of friend who would hold your hair back as you puke when you've drank too much alcohol. True story. I've also lost a friend because I saved her life by calling an ambulance, preventing her from overdosing on drugs. She was mad at me. Another true story.  

So, I have learned that even if I'm loving, bad things still can happen. I sometimes can't avoid or shield myself from being in the crossfire.  

I'm also the kind of person or friend who will support you, lend a listening ear, attend many of your music gigs, remember your birthday, and hold you as you cry. But, even by being loving and supportive, it won't guarantee that friendships will last forever. It doesn't guarantee that even family will love you back.  

Even with all these uncertainties and past hurt, each day, I show up for life.  

I show up for others.  

I try to love others the best that I can.  

I'm a work in progress when it comes to knowing how to set boundaries. In the past, I've not always done it lovingly. I reached places where hurt and pain built up due to me not speaking up for myself. So, I've had a few times where I've unleashed my anger onto others. It was before I knew how to speak up for myself in a loving way.  

So, I'm not perfect. I just do my best.  

I try hard to accept others...without accepting their unkind words or behavior.  

What can I say? I care.  

As I've been processing the disappointment about my book journey, I've learned that sometimes, others won't or can't show up in the same way I have shown up for them.  

I really have not expected others to reciprocate to me. I figure everything balances out in some way. I know my good can come from many possible sources.  

I still believe in trusting karma. I never did nice things or supported others expecting a big karmic payout. I just chose to be kind and loving because it felt good and like the right thing to do. It's my nature.  

However, I'm human. I'm not a machine. I have had moments of sadness when others haven't showed up. It's more when they said they would. It's more when you have been friends for a while and they've supported you and suddenly stop.  

I've learned that is the nature of relationships. They're not perfect. I don't expect anything much any more from others.  

I know I sound possibly jaded. The thing is, if you have high expectations of others, you will get hurt. I've learned to let others know what I want or need. I also give what I need to myself. It feels better than blaming myself for not doing enough or being loving enough towards loved ones. I call it "heart insurance," since I won't have to experience the disappointment in my heart when others don't support me.  

It's so jarring when you experience others not showing up. I understand. I've been there many times. I have showed up for appointments a few days after my mom passed, not crying or expecting support, but having difficulties scheduling the follow up appointments. That's not my fault. Maybe some don't want to be reminded of death? Maybe I was bringing that up for them?  

I've had folks I've hired and paid not fully show up during my decade of having an online business. I learned lessons, yes. I was disappointed in them too. I worked on not feeling it was my fault. Again, I wondered what I did to cause their lack of attention to detail, poor workmanship, or laziness.  

Over the past five years, I've signed some contracts. Others didn't do all of their part. Promises were broken. I showed up doing my part, however. I gave everything 120%...or more.  

When others have a lack of integrity, it's hard to process and take. I didn't speak up for myself, again, since I didn't want to be "mean" and create negative karma or causes for myself.  

Due to not speaking up for myself, I have at times made myself physically sick due to the overwhelm of my own feelings and emotions. Even though I've been kind and loving and done my part to show up, I've blamed myself still. Yes, it's messed up. I get it now.  

Here's my big a-ha moment. It might not sound like something an enlightened person would say, but I will share it: I now understand that it's not fair to blame myself 100% for everything bad that happens to me or on the planet.  

People still are under their own consciousness. I can't 100% control outcomes, even if others have made promises or are bound to a contract. I'm not God. I'm not the universe. Thank goodness.  

I still partially believe in karma. I just don't use it to beat myself up any more. When so-called bad things happen to me or in the world, I ask what the lesson is for me. I ask how I can be a bigger or better force of love in the universe.  

Other times, I might need to vent or swear to feel better. I just honor my human side that way. Once I honor how I feel, things shift. I go back to a place of compassion for myself and others, since we are all learning.  

I don't hold onto a ton of hurt any more. I also find it's better to keep my heart open, even with all the bad things that have happened to me.  

As I show up each day on the planet for myself and others, I find some comfort that some do show up for me no matter what.  

I smile as the sun and moon greet me daily.  

My neighborhood squirrels and birds visit daily. I thank them for their friendship by feeding them.  

Every day, my sweet hubby hugs me.  

My true friends show up too. I have some people who I love like family.  

My heart beats and my lungs breathe.  

The stars always are there.  

I smile daily in the mirror, even if it's hard.  

There's constancy in the universe, even amidst the change that is constant.  

Not everything can stay the same, I get that.  

I do know that even though loving deeds or showing up for others feels unrequited at times, that love will never go away. It just takes different forms, sometimes unexpected ones.  

It's there though.  

With love, 

Lisa Selow  

(Copyrighted 2016)  

Pile on the Heartbreak...

Life is interesting. It’s my guru. I’m grateful for the teachings and its wisdom, even though it can be confusing at times.

Heartbreak has been piled onto me over the past decade, but really, most of my life. 

I just attended my sixth funeral since June 2015 over this past weekend. It has amplified the pile of heartbreak of mine. 

I totally get that my heartache and heartbreak is nothing new. Mine isn’t more special or difficult than anyone else’s. 

If you are alive on the planet for more than a few minutes, you will have pain. 

Intellectually, I know the suffering part is optional too. 

I tried to analyze it all. I have done things such as write in my journal, just trying to process and make sense of it all. I have done the prayers, affirmations, meditations, visualizations, forgiveness work, energy work, and self-care. 

I began this work more than three decades ago, when I was close to 11 years old, sitting on the floor of the library reading self-help books in the early 1980s to make sense of my life and my parents’ marital issues. 

I even wrote a self-help book for women. 

So, I get it. 

I get that you gotta learn things and move on, let go, and forgive and forget. I could write any number of cliches here that you have heard or seen. 

As I sit here in the middle of February, in winter in Detroit, I feel spring trying to rise like a phoenix. 

Spring is a time for new beginnings. I’ve waited a long time for a new beginning. I’ve not felt very phoenix-like. I’m more like the liquified caterpillar trying so hard to be a butterfly. 

I feel spring is trying to come. There’s a different quality to the air. The birds are starting to come home from the south areas. Animals are more active. There’s more daylight. 

I’m exhausted. 

I feel like I’m pummeled with all the heartbreak piled on top of me. I feel dragged down. I feel a bit sad, mixed with some anxiousness now and then. I also get feelings of being stuck or not sure what to do next. 

I do my best to not numb out. I don’t do the typical behaviors to cope. I simply sit with them, allowing myself to feel the pain, sadness, grief, and yes, even anger.

I grew up with the idea that it was wrong to be angry. I also was told to “stop it” when I would cry as a way to process my anger, sadness, or hurts. I held some things in, but would give them expression writing poetry, songs, or doing some artwork. I also had an outlet of writing in my journal since I was very young, as well as long distance running. 

Fast forward to today, I’m using some of the same methods to process grief, anger, and anxiousness. This stuff works. I’m grateful. Thank you, life.

But…The thing I keep wondering is why. I wonder why I had to go through so many things, lose so much, and have so many failures with my career and friendships. At the same time, I am amazed at how blessed I am because I have been with the same guy since we were 21 years old. I have cute, sweet squirrels and birds who visit me daily. I do have some musical ability. I’m a published author. My best friend is someone I’ve been friends with since age 14, so for 30 years! I have some very close friendships with people I talk to regularly. I’m successful in some other ways too, such as having no debts other than my mortgage. I also am the same healthy weight I was in 8th grade, returning there in the past two years with slow, steady process and healing of my hormones and eating less and moving more. I’m brave. I financed my own college education. I also had successful careers as a legal assistant, massage therapist, energy worker, intuitive consultant, coach, and author. 

Yet, the heartbreak is piled up. I’ve had to give up some things. I have blamed myself for not trying hard enough, but the truth is, I tried very hard. I even made myself ill from working so hard and well, the emotional management has been too much to bear. 

When I answer my own question of why I had to go through so much, I get some basic answers such as “I had to learn compassion for myself and others” or “I’m human and this is part of the curriculum.” I wonder though if there’s more…I’m letting life reveal its answers, instead of pushing so hard to find out. 

As a somewhat Buddhist spiritual practitioner, I look at cause and effect (also known as karma). I know that in the past, in this lifetime and others, I’ve created loss, grief, and pain for others. I’ve done my best to be kind and loving, to create better causes or a better future for myself. 

Am I perfect? Nope. But, I’m trying to do my best. I’m a bit like that main character in My Name is Earl (television show), but a bit prettier and well, no criminal record, hahaha! I don’t expect to receive anything in return for being kind, however. I just feel it feels better to be nice and kind to others. I don’t like having to live with the thoughts and feelings that I might have hurt someone. 

During my own healing process, I’ve looked at the places where I loved and lost and was a failure or when things disappointed me. I see a bit of blessings in them on an intellectual level. I know that some things weren’t the best path for me. I also could see where others took advantage of me, even abusing or using me. I see where I tried to save others and it wasn’t my job. I see where others didn’t follow through on what they promised me. I suppose I’ve had several graduate level courses in disappointments. I qualify for a doctoral degree, right? 

After my mom passed in June 2015, I decided to really do my best to live bravely. I felt so pummeled by everything. Yet, I felt like the mountain climber who has to reach the summit before the bad weather comes in, fiercely hellbent with no limitations. Then, boom, after it is all done, you crash at home in bed for a while. 

Two months after my mom passed, I was getting an epic amount of dental work done, as in two root canals, two fillings, and a new crown. This month, February 2015, I still need a new filling and a new crown in addition to that. During the same month of my dental work, I was like, okay, bring it! So, I had a baseline colonoscopy at age 43. My mom and grandma both had colon cancer and well, bring on the even healthier diet for me. I have always eaten mostly plant-based, but now, I’m epic healthy. Oh yeah, did I mention I had anemia on top of chronic fatigue syndrome and adrenal fatigue? My weeks were all about going to funerals, getting stuff in order, as well as navigating family stuff.

When my mom passed, I was just coming out of the situational depression about my book journey. Boom, not so fast, I guess, regarding feeling good.

I took it upon myself to continue a path of healing and self-care. I began a daily yoga practice that still continues on, even with flu and colds, since September 1, 2015. I also did a self-guided 100 days of guitar which ended with me doing my very first open mic as a singer and guitarist in October 2015, which was only 4 months after my mom passed. At the end of 2015, I decided to close my business. I still have to forward my old websites over here to this new blog, but I’m doing my best to get things “done.” 

It is time to forge a new path. 

So, I’m a brave, grown ass woman, you know?

I had some folks leave my life over the past four or five years. It has hurt quite a bit. I guess the modern way of ending a friendship is to unfriend a person on Facebook? Hmm. 

During my very brave, bring-it-on phase the first few months after my mom passed, I said “yes” to everything and everyone. I wanted to live full out. I was still so exhausted and then, one day, it all came crashing down. My body said, “No more, sister! You gotta rest!” I sat with the doctor then and she said my iron levels were a few points higher than the lowest you can be and I was borderline needing iron infusions. Ugh. 

As I sit here though, I’m navigating out of the cold and darkness. I’m writing very bad, dark poetry most days as a therapeutic way to handle my big ass pile of heartbreak. I’m about to get some counseling starting next month. This week, I’m switching to weekly nutrient intravenous infusions (drips into my blood of vitamins that take an hour and a half), instead of monthly. I’m still showing up most days, getting up at 7am or 8am. I do yoga daily. I play guitar, even if I only can muster scales. I’m making smoothies and salads for meals. I’m taking my vitamins. I’m writing in my journals, meditating, singing, and writing song lyrics. I’m doing a bit of coloring and hope to return to making art soon. I’m resting. I’m recovering. I’m not taking to heart the hurts some have done to me, such as family who won’t talk to me or who blame me for some things. 

It’s really brave and it IS epic to do these simple things each day. 

But, you see, I really never thought my life would turn out this way. I guess this is what you get to look at during your 40s. You see where your life was supposed to be different. 

Some women I’ve encountered online or in groups have shamed me, saying things that are quite mean and not supportive in the tune of, “Oh, you’re a kept woman.” It’s disappointing to me as a woman when other women are catty or not supportive, projecting their crap onto me. I mean, when you get married, your partner and you are a team. There’s no such thing as “my money” or “your money,” it’s all jointly held. You make decisions as a team. 

As a person who doesn’t have kids or a job outside the house, I know it comes across as strange, not to be living up to society’s norms or expected roles for a woman. I have stopped caring about what others think of me and my choices. It’s totally okay for me to be a homemaker, musician, writer, and artist. 

Who says I have to “earn my keep”? I don’t really feel like blogging about the ways in which I give back to the world. I just do it. I don’t need to brag or prove that I’m doing “work.” I’m a woman and all women work, just sayin.’ 

The pile of heartbreak has been getting less heavy. I notice that decluttering physical things from my home really helps. I figure I lived in Europe for a few months with only a suitcase and a backpack and I was very happy. I missed my music equipment, but I want to be a step above minimalist. 

I’m very strange, I know, because I’m happier owning less and having experiences more than acquiring things. I see large McMansions and can’t help but to think of how high the heating bills must be or how long it will take to pay those mortgages off. I know everyone makes their own choices, but I prefer things to be simple. I like to travel and go to concerts, meals out, and help animals. I don’t need a big house or anything fancy. Nope. 

The heartbreak has lessened too as I’ve let go of hurtful people and deleted their messages in my emails and social media. I have had a few people write me to tell me to “get over it,” when it comes to my grief and losses. I really was astounded. Instead of calling them out, I just took their words to heart. What a big mistake! I think that in the coming months and years, you will read about me speaking up way more to people. I think that is one thing I haven’t done much is to set boundaries with others. I like to and hope to do it lovingly, of course. 

I know that my heart is a resilient thing. I know that I’m brave and always have been. I know that I can turn pain around into a gift for myself and others. I used to really want my pain to be for a purpose, even to help just one person. 

These days, I want to have the ability to be more gentle with myself. I don’t need to make my life about lessons to help others. I can make it about relaxing and drinking tea or taking walks in nature. I don’t have to be a guru. 

I can just be one with the wind, the trees, the sky, the sun, moon, stars, and little squirrels. That is enough. That can be my purpose too. My heart is my purpose, right? 

With love,

Lisa 

(copyrighted 2016 by Lisa Selow)