It's been a while since I've posted. I know you're not supposed to write that in a blog post, but I’m not conventional.
As I type this, I'm on my couch with a fleece blanket. It's the fatigue hours for me. I've become exhausted again. The time slot of 4-6 p.m. is rough when you have adrenal fatigue. Heck, most of the day is a challenge.
I'm blessed because I've been able to get back into taking mostly daily walks outside. I have continued my daily yoga practice since September 1, 2015, not missing a day. I have played guitar daily for almost a year too. I don't slack off, contrary to what some of my inner and outer critics have said about me.
Grief is going well. Yes, I said that. My mom passed June 14, 2015. I've been to six funerals in less than a year. The thing is, I've never been happier. Yes, you read that right. I'm the happiest I've ever been, even with waves of all kinds of so-called difficult emotions, massive hair loss, fatigue, and many losses.
I feel more alive.
I know what matters to me.
Things like being a success, achieving, producing, and being "friends" with certain people do not matter to me.
I've been forced to reduce my life to its essentials. This is due to health challenges I've faced the past three years.
I like simplicity. I actually love it.
My life isn't recognizable at times to me. I feel a bit freakish for telling you and others that I'm the happiest I've ever been.
At times, some have wanted to treat me like some poor, little thing. Bless their hearts. They say things like, "Oh, you poor girl..."
I appreciate others' love and concern. It's nice of them to care. The thing is, I have been struggling with an invisible dis-ease for most of my life. I began not feeling well at an early age. I had immune challenges, along with everything in between. I've still managed to work hard and accomplish much. I'm just not willing or able to push so hard any more. That's the nature of chronic fatigue syndrome.
The interesting thing with chronic fatigue syndrome is that I've had multiple, severe flare ups over the years. Each time, it's been because of a huge life stressor or series of them. I'm sensitive and haven't always been good at managing emotions. It's why I returned to yoga and meditation in 2015.
With working on healing each bout of chronic fatigue flare ups, I've always been rather positive, willing to do or change anything needed to feel better. I've worked hard, spent lots of time and money on this so-called fake dis-ease. Each time, I felt hopeful I could return to where I was before. Yeah, I've had full-time jobs, as well as being a competitive athlete in the past.
This time around, I don't have anything to return to once I feel better. At the end of 2015, I dissolved my coaching and other online businesses. I also dismantled my public speaking and author career. I probably won't ever return to having a full-time job outside the home. Having a chronic illness with your most severe flare up will make you adjust your life and priorities.
These days, I'm making art, music, and writing that is just for me. I take walks and naps. I cook healthy foods and meals for hubby JT and I. I feed the birds and squirrels. I sip on herbal tea. I gave up the last traces of caffeine and sugar in my diet to give my adrenals the best shot at healing. I don't even have one glass of wine or beer...ever.
I have a gentler existence. I'm not trying to be somebody. I'm not trying to write books or get my name out there. If I ever write another book, it will be for fun.
Speaking of fun, I have a lot of it. I sit in cafes and color with herbal tea. I daydream. I write songs. I go to a weekly guitar lesson. I attend live music and concerts with my hubby. I gently shop in quaint downtowns with my best friend. I meet friends now and then at lunch.
I don't rush around. I don't try to acquire tons of new things and people in my life. I get so much joy making smoothies and salads. Stuff like that makes me smile.
So many folks have left my life, whether through death or just being on their own paths now. It's all good, even though it can hurt. I allow myself to feel all my emotions and feelings. I don't hold it in any more. I also have begun speaking up for myself in a loving way.
I'm happy. Life is good.
I plan on sharing more of my creative path with you soon.
With love,
Lisa Selow
(copyrighted 2016
No comments:
Post a Comment