When I originally wrote this post, I was sitting in a cafe. I was writing it ahead of time, composing it on my iPhone. My writing process has changed so much over the years. I've become a more flowing and fluid type of gal.
When I think about it, that flowy aspect has permeated every area of my life. This might not sound like a big deal, but it is, given how not-so-go-with-the-flow I used to embody.
I used to be a type A personality. I was a perfectionist. I pushed and pushed. I was driven to be a success and "to be somebody."
I ignored my body's messages to rest, even though I've had a lifelong, autoimmune condition.
I worked and worked. I tried to please everyone. I gave and gave until I was depleted, depressed, anxious, and seriously ill.
Along the way, I've had massive losses, family deaths, grief, disappointments, failures, and many important things have left my life. I've let go quite a bit.
As I make a few additions to this post today, it’s the one-year anniversary of my mom Judy’s passing. She was only 63 years old. I have missed every day since she passed. I’ve taken time though to sit with my grief and allow it in, just as if I had a house guest staying with me the past year. I’ve been doing my best to honor my mom by showing up each day for my life in brave, but very small brave ways.
I sit here smiling though. I mean, when I really think about it, I'm still me. The core of who I am has never gone away! I'm still Lisa. The eternal self is there, despite all my heartache, pain, sadness, and so-called difficult feelings.
So much of my ego has fallen away and I just have to say that I'm relieved. The small self is even smaller in me. I’ve lost about half of my hair, much of my health and vitality, my online business, my career as an author/coach, and some friends or loved ones in the process.
At the end of the day, I'm happiest if I've done yoga, daydreamed, played guitar, made a nice dinner for my sweet hubby and me, and fed the squirrels.
I no longer strive, strain, or push. I've been forced to be gentle with myself. I can no longer sustain heroic efforts towards being a success. My life is pared down and I've never been happier.
Some say that time flies. For me, it's slowed down. I'm happier with less. I like simplicity. Actually, I LOVE it!
Death will make you examine your priorities. I went to five funerals, in addition to my mom’s from mid-2015 until early 2016. After a while, you become more choosy about not only how you spend your time, but with what you worry about as a human being.
I never heard a dying person say that they wish they had made more money or worked harder or that they wished they would have had a million Twitter followers. Nope.
Today, I celebrate the one-year anniversary of my mom’s passing. She was always about having tea, good food, and time with family. I’m going to do a couple of those today. I’m just being gentle with myself.
It may seem like a downer for me to write so much about death and dying. It really isn't a downer. It's life affirming. I mean, you have this precious life. What are you doing to be happy?
With love respect,
I toast you with my green smoothie!