When Others Don't Like Who You Have Become

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Over the past four years, I've sure changed! 

I'll bet you also have changed quite a bit, given that the only constant in the universe is change. 

My changes have been for the better. I'm feeling 200% or more happier and healthier. I worked rather hard for a long time to get here. 

The thing is, I'm still becoming (borrowing this from my gurus, The Brave Girls' Club). 

I do plan on changing a whole lot more!

There are habits I'm creating still. I'm working on learning tons of new things. There's art and music I wish to create. I have some more books in me. I hope my hair loss continues to heal, so I can have ombré hair! Ha! There are places I want to visit. I have a few old, creative dreams I'm resurrecting. I'm continuing to add healing foods to my diet. There's more yoga I want to learn. 

I’m sad though because I’ve recently began noticing the backlash from some who are close to me. There were passive aggressive comments. There were snarky comments. Some asked me to help them in ways I no longer can. It seemed like when I set boundaries, this challenged them. 

Ugh. It’s not easy being human. 

What I wish I could've said in those backlash type of moments is that I worked so hard to be healthy and happy again. There were days I could hardly function, due to autoimmune flare. I would say how much it would mean to me if they could at least be 10% happy for my at least one areas of my transformation.

I've been doing some deep, gut check thinking about others' reactions to the so-called new me. Here is a list of some of my insights:

  • The core of who I am is still there. I try to reassure others to remember this. However, it’s not my job to make them feel safe. 
  • My changes seem to trigger folks. I never share my life or create new habits to make others feel badly or to "brag." 
  • Relationships that are able to weather the other's transitions and changes are meant to last. If not, they must be released or kept at a healthy distance. 
  • If others are being unkind, I must look at where I'm being unkind to myself. Also, am I really on board with my changes? The outer always reflects the inner. 
  • I'm always happy to support others in making changes, but I never tell them how or what they need to change. 
  • I'm allowed to be happy and healthy, even glowing and vibrant. It’s so exciting when the things you have been doing begin to work! I like having color in my skin, small stuff like that. It’s not like I became a millionaire and you need to be jealous of me, hahaha! 
  • If others only can be around me when my life sucks, they aren't true friends. I’m borrowing from Melody Beattie and others here: “Company hates misery.” 
  • True friends celebrate with you.

It all seems simple, but when others don’t like who you have become, it’s an emotionally huge thing to process. I love people, but doing so can't be at the expense of my hard-earned happiness and health. I also used to downplay my light in the past. I can't any more. 

So, when others don’t like who you are becoming, just remember these things:
  • There are some folks usually in your life who will love you, even if you are making big changes
  • If you don’t have anyone in your life to support and love you, find a tribe who gets you, even if it’s online 
  • Use others’ snarky or passive aggressive comments or hurtful words or behavior to become even happier. Set boundaries and lovingly speak your truth, but do something for you. Each time something negative happens, I like to sip on a cup or herbal tea. I also will walk an extra lap outside (Thanks so much, haters, for making me skinnier and skinnier, hahaha!)
  • Immerse yourself in positivity. Curate your newsfeeds online and in social media, as well as your emails and blogs you subscribe to, to be uplifting and inspiring. 
  • If someone says something negative to you about a change you’ve made, take that change to another level. I mean, don’t retaliate and be mean, but have some fun. I had a loved one say they didn’t like my floppy hats, so I bought some more of them. They spark joy for me! 
  • If someone annoys you, you can use it as raw material for your creative projects. Doodle, draw, or make art to release stress. Write a song about them or a short story or something. Don’t name names, of course. (Careful, you’ll end up in my song!). 
  • You have ancestors who love you. I tap into these energies when I feel like the living folks don’t love me enough or approve of me. 
  • Life is too short not to follow your passions or to not be as healthy and happy as you can be in your life. 
  • Find a way to vent about it. You can write in a journal or talk to a trusted friend.
  • Get a coach or a therapist. Use others’ negativity to help heal the places that still feel unhealed. They know which buttons to push. Get rid of the buttons. 
  • Don’t take it personally. Try not to, even though it’s hard. 
  • If someone isn’t kind to you, it could be their issues, such as jealousy. You might be illuminating their areas of weakness, unhappiness, or disease. It’s not your job to fix them or try to covert them to your ways of living, being, and thinking.
  • Be happy anyway. No one really can destroy your happiness or health. Nope. You need to speak up, set boundaries, and take care of your precious self.

With the holidays coming, I plan on standing in my truth with love and gentleness. I do find that I like to get curious by asking others questions about the hurtful things they say to me. I will say, “What do you mean by that?” Usually, folks will rephrase things in a kinder way or realize that maybe they were off base. Don’t engage them in arguments. Don’t name call or yell. Don’t start a conflict. Just be a kind soul, a fellow traveler who wants to know their truth too. Of course, walk away any abusive situations and please take care of you!

Blessings and love,
Lisa Selow 

(copyrighted 2016) 

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